I am that girl.
- Michelle
Friday, November 18, 2011
on destruction of the self
anxiety and depression go on a date to see an encore of flashbacks courtesy of their good friend post-traumatic stress disorder. but anorexia nervosa gets jealous and wants to crash their date so she brings her wingman obsessive compulsive disorder. and caught in the middle of this violent clash of worries, aching memories, self-loathing, obsessive habits and starvation is a little girl who just wants one ounce of control. over something. over anything.
I am that girl.
- Michelle
I am that girl.
- Michelle
Friday, November 11, 2011
When Darkness Turns To Light
It seems I have reached yet another first in endless experiences left in my life which I am incapable of sharing with my brother Bryan. Life without B has been a series of moments in which I desperately needed my brother, moments that have been both heart-wrenching and beautiful, wondrous and painful. And tonight I am sick of experiencing these "first" moments.
In April of this year, less than 2 months after Bryan passed away, I saw Rise Against play at the Civic Center Auditorium. I was joined by one of my best friends and his wife, and (albeit reluctantly) my partner at the time. I was supposed to go to that concert with my brother Bryan. A week before he was hospitalized, I sent him a link about the concert and offered to buy his ticket as an early birthday present if he'd go with me. Bryan was super stoked about the show and was planning on spending the night at my coop and hanging out with me. I am infuriated and heart broken that I was robbed of a weekend with my brother. We had finally had another chance after a painful estrangement. I just wanted Bryan back in my life and god damn it I fucking had him.
But that was not the first time that had happened, no the first in this story is what happened at the show. Every other time I have seen Rise Against play live, I have been with Bryan. Even the time we were fighting over something stupid, we found each other at the show and listened to the encore together. We listened to every single fucking encore together, and Rise Against always played 2 of our favorite songs, 'Everchanging' and 'Black Masks and Gasoline.' We held our fists in the air and lost our hearts in the swell of passion from the crowd. This was our band and these were our songs.
But in April of this year, I debated with myself on whether or not to stay for the encore, knowing it would be my first without B and conflicted on the right choice. Do I hold dearest my last memories with B and protect them by leaving, or do I celebrate those precious memories by being there in that moment for B when he couldn't be? It's asinine the internal debates I've gotten into with myself, a twisted psychological warfare between numerous thoughts claiming to know what decision would do right by my love of Bryan. I made the decision to stay for the encore, and I'm glad that I did.
That night was the first time out of many, many shows I've seen when Rise Against did not play either 'Everchanging' or 'Black Masks and Gasoline.' I was fucking floored. My favorite band, whose love I shared with Bryan for 10 yes 10 years, had unknowingly honored my memories of those songs with B and given me yet another reason to love them. I cried that night because I could not share that experience with Bryan, either in person or by talking to him about the show. I couldn't call him and tell him excitedly that the first time I saw them with B they didn't play our songs, almost as a silent protest to our inability to share that moment together.
God I've digressed as badly as Bryan could. He'd be proud. Anyway, the point was that tonight I experienced another "first" since Bryan died that I cannot tell him about. I recently discovered All American Rejects and I've become a bit obsessed. I love this band and I wish that I could call Bryan tonight and get his opinion on them, because for the life of me I cannot remember what it was but if you knew Bryan than you know he had an opinion about them. I like to think that if I like them this much then Bryan definitely liked them. But I'm not sure. And I cry tonight because I wish I'd paid attention to them years ago so I could have already listened to him rant or rave about them. Listen to him tease me if he disliked their music, saying he taught me better than that. Or smiling at me proudly as he played their CD in his truck and we flew down the 80 singing and laughing. Another memory I was robbed of.
But for some reason it felt really good to talk about the Rise Against show. It seems I had a lot to say about it as it turned out to be the focus of this entry. But because the entry was supposed to be about All American Rejects, and because I fucking love them and you, this song's for you B. I miss you terribly.
- Michelle
All these thoughts locked inside, Now your the first to know
In April of this year, less than 2 months after Bryan passed away, I saw Rise Against play at the Civic Center Auditorium. I was joined by one of my best friends and his wife, and (albeit reluctantly) my partner at the time. I was supposed to go to that concert with my brother Bryan. A week before he was hospitalized, I sent him a link about the concert and offered to buy his ticket as an early birthday present if he'd go with me. Bryan was super stoked about the show and was planning on spending the night at my coop and hanging out with me. I am infuriated and heart broken that I was robbed of a weekend with my brother. We had finally had another chance after a painful estrangement. I just wanted Bryan back in my life and god damn it I fucking had him.
But that was not the first time that had happened, no the first in this story is what happened at the show. Every other time I have seen Rise Against play live, I have been with Bryan. Even the time we were fighting over something stupid, we found each other at the show and listened to the encore together. We listened to every single fucking encore together, and Rise Against always played 2 of our favorite songs, 'Everchanging' and 'Black Masks and Gasoline.' We held our fists in the air and lost our hearts in the swell of passion from the crowd. This was our band and these were our songs.
But in April of this year, I debated with myself on whether or not to stay for the encore, knowing it would be my first without B and conflicted on the right choice. Do I hold dearest my last memories with B and protect them by leaving, or do I celebrate those precious memories by being there in that moment for B when he couldn't be? It's asinine the internal debates I've gotten into with myself, a twisted psychological warfare between numerous thoughts claiming to know what decision would do right by my love of Bryan. I made the decision to stay for the encore, and I'm glad that I did.
That night was the first time out of many, many shows I've seen when Rise Against did not play either 'Everchanging' or 'Black Masks and Gasoline.' I was fucking floored. My favorite band, whose love I shared with Bryan for 10 yes 10 years, had unknowingly honored my memories of those songs with B and given me yet another reason to love them. I cried that night because I could not share that experience with Bryan, either in person or by talking to him about the show. I couldn't call him and tell him excitedly that the first time I saw them with B they didn't play our songs, almost as a silent protest to our inability to share that moment together.
God I've digressed as badly as Bryan could. He'd be proud. Anyway, the point was that tonight I experienced another "first" since Bryan died that I cannot tell him about. I recently discovered All American Rejects and I've become a bit obsessed. I love this band and I wish that I could call Bryan tonight and get his opinion on them, because for the life of me I cannot remember what it was but if you knew Bryan than you know he had an opinion about them. I like to think that if I like them this much then Bryan definitely liked them. But I'm not sure. And I cry tonight because I wish I'd paid attention to them years ago so I could have already listened to him rant or rave about them. Listen to him tease me if he disliked their music, saying he taught me better than that. Or smiling at me proudly as he played their CD in his truck and we flew down the 80 singing and laughing. Another memory I was robbed of.
But for some reason it felt really good to talk about the Rise Against show. It seems I had a lot to say about it as it turned out to be the focus of this entry. But because the entry was supposed to be about All American Rejects, and because I fucking love them and you, this song's for you B. I miss you terribly.
- Michelle
All these thoughts locked inside, Now your the first to know
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)