You can't leave me if I'm already gone

I do not believe love exists. Sure, it exists for other people, but I don't for a second believe that it exists for me. I have far too many years of experience proving to me that I am in fact unlovable. Not once has someone who swore their romantic allegiance to my heart felt something that they didn't eventually take back. Love fades, it changes, it diminishes, eventually it disappears and the only logical course of action is to make the assumption that love does not truly exist.

I believe in familial love, in the love of kinship, in the love of friendship. I know there are people who have love for me, but it's a safe love, a love that doesn't come attached to expectations and demands on propriety of character. It's a love born of circumstance, of convenience, of a longing for companionship that at times seems encoded into our DNA. I am grateful for this love, because it is the only love that has comforted me during the last 12 months of my hellish life.

But honestly? The only thing that's kept me going this long is hope. Hope that I'm wrong. Hope that my life will someday be bearable. Hope that I will overcome my demons. Hope that the universe will finally acknowledge how shitty the cards I've been dealt are and cut me some fucking slack.

I just don't think I have it anymore.

My hope died when Bryan died.

Michelle
- For some reason I can't explain, I know Saint Peter won't call my name