8 months ago today I listened to a voicemail that caused my world to collapse inside itself. My brother Bryan had spent a large portion of his life in and out of hospitals. And every time he went back in my mom would call me and say where he was, that he was alright and I didn't need to make the 2 hour drive to Sacramento. She would remind me that it would just make him cranky with both of us because Bryan hated letting people see him when he was sick.
I remember sitting at my desk at work, joking around with my partner at the time, when my phone started blowing up with family. When I listened to my mom's voicemail and heard her frantic voice, telling me that Bryan was in the hospital and I needed to call her right now and make plans to come home, my heart started racing and my lungs stopped breathing. My eyes filled with tears as I thought to myself, no, it's can't fucking be, why does it have to be different this time? Why can't she just tell me he's ok, that I should stay home and he'll call me when he's up to it? But she couldn't. Bryan's heart stopped and he was in the hospital on life support. He would never call me again.
A piece of me died that day. Another died a week later on February 27, when I held my brothers hand as they turned off the machines keeping his body alive and let his soul finally escape to peace.
Bryan was an incredibly gifted writer. He loved writing about music, politics, and broken hearts. He never failed to make me laugh, to introduce me to wonderful new music we could share, to rock out with me in the pit at Rise Against shows, to watch silly movies with me and hang out with my boyfriend of the moment, to try to convince me that his best friend was my soul mate so they could be "real brothers, not just bros," to make my soul ache with the tears in his eyes when he came to me for cheering up his broken heart. I loved hearing him laugh, especially when it was because of something I did or said.
My big brother was my hero, the guy I spent my entire life looking up to and wanting to be. I stole his CDs just so we could go CD shopping together when he made me buy him replacements, just to stroll the aisles of Dimple Records with him and listen to him bitch about various artists. I was so proud of myself for getting him into Strung Out, he would always call me when their new CD came out and tell me how he brags to everyone that his little sister made him a fan of such an awesome band. He sent me a record of Rise Against's album Appeal to Reason when it came out, with a sweet note reminding me that he was thinking of me and wanted me to know. I still have it and I'm going to get it framed.
I wear his watch every day, because I know he'd want me to wear it, he'd be proud to see it on my wrist. He would also bitch at me every time I knocked the glass plate into something, and I swear I can hear his voice in my head each time I do. I don't necessarily think it's really him, I like to think of it as proof of how close we were and how similar too. I typically am attracted to skaters and guitar players, probably because those are the type of guys he'd approve of, and who would have the most in common with B (and thus be down for us all to hang out together). I loved hanging out with Bryan, it was always a blast. And we always laughed so much.
Sometimes when a person dies, their family falls apart. Now that I've experienced the heartbreaking loss of a loved one, I can understand how easily that could happen, how fragile we are in our period of mourning. But Bryan would be proud of his family. I am closer to my mom now than I've been in years, I miss her so much it aches and I call her almost daily. And Bryan would be so proud of her, my mom makes me laugh every time I talk to her or when I read her silly texts. I love my family, and rather than choose to feel shame that it took losing Bryan to heal some old wounds, I choose to be thankful that my family is strong and loving and wonderful.
Before my brother Bryan died, he dedicated this song to me in a beautiful post on his blog. Every time I listen to this song I think of B and I cry. I truly believe deep within my heat that every person deserves to have someone who thinks of them this way. I cry because I am so incredibly grateful and lucky that my someone was Bryan. My brother was a great guy. And he was fucking perfect to me.
I dare you to watch the entire video and not tear up.
- Michelle
It's enough, I've done all I can think of, chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
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