She said "Kill me faster"
With strawberry gashes all over
You never know what's going on inside someone else's head. I recently read a book by Jay Asher called Thirteen Reasons Why, the story of a high school girl who kills herself and leaves behind tape recordings exposing the 13 people who's actions or words or beliefs lead her to the choice to end her life. Don't misunderstand, she isn't blaming these people for her decision, but rather saying "I'm done, and here's why."
Who would have thought that shortly after reading it someone I knew would walk the same path? Minus the carefully explained rationale.
I chose the book because I'm fascinated by inter-connectivity. Every single decision or choice you make affects someone somewhere, the only thing that varies is to what degree someone else is affected by you. And yet we act recklessly and ignore the warning messages flashing in our minds. We choose to see only what we want to see, we never see anyone else for who they truly are.
You'd never guess I spent almost every single morning during the last month waking up to the image of my wrists slit open. And even if you could guess you sure as hell wouldn't want to. You have no idea how difficult it is the go to work after that wake up call. And it's not like I can tell anyone this. Anyone I would tell knows that I'm a cutter (in remission for 4 years) and that I've tried to kill myself, and I already know their response: get angry, berate me for even thinking of harming myself (as though it's a fucking conscious decision on my part, and make me swear that I will never do that. Oh and they usually remind me how selfish suicide is.
And to that, in the words of Kid Cudi, I'm screaming out "Fuck that!" You have absolutely no fucking clue the weight of the memories I carry. I have survived more personal hell than most people in our industrialized first world country can fathom, it's simply outside the scope of their experience. And still I can't even speak fully of it, can't allow the words that would ruin so many lives to pass through my lips and finally grant me release, which just makes me want to scream even more. All of the weight is on me and I have bared it entirely by myself for far too fucking long. At some point all these choked up, silent screams get to be just a little too fucking much and I just don't want to fight anymore.
What's the point? It hurts so much.
Pardon me for my moment of weakness. I'm triggered and I don't know how to handle it. I wish Bryan was here.
But he's not. Because he too gave up, it just took him 3 years to do it. He was hell bent on self-destruction and by god he flourished on his victory lap. If you don't believe me, read his blog. It's all laid out in black and white and filed under "self-loathing." I should have known, I should have been able to reach him. If anyone had any chance of saving my brother if he couldn't save himself, it was me. And I failed him. I got too caught up in my own life and bullshit and I lost my brother.
But if anything I've written here worries you about the state of my own mental health, I can assure you I'm safe. Bryan died and I'm forced to live. I might not like it, I might be incredibly fucking angry that my choice to stop trying and just be free of all of this shit was taken from me. But taken it was. And this recent death forces my hand even more. I can never take my own life. I had my chance but now, I just can't. It's silly isn't it? It was ok to think about something which would hurt every single person who cares about me before Bryan died, because I wouldn't be around to experience the effects. And here is where I do think suicide would be selfish: as someone who has survived losing the person closest to them in such a heart-breaking way, I know exactly how much pain I would be putting my mother through. And my father. And every other person I love. And I am definitely selfish, but not that selfish.
But you never know what's going on inside someone else's head. Or heart. And I can understand just being tired of being in pain. Jesus christ can I understand.
- Michelle
Suicide isn't painless when you leave everyone in pain
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